an entry written 8 months ago..

here's an entry i wasn't able to post... found it on my computer, this was dated december 07,2006

i don't know na what to do.. i'm really confused.. :( i can't do anything right, i'm always at fault.. i always cause pain.. i always hurt the one i love.. i don't know what to do anymore.. my heart's gonna explode.. i just wanted everything to be ok just ok.. not perfect.. not something everyone's been dreaming of.. just OK.. but why is it so hard? i've been trying to control my feelings.. the way i really feel.. im controlling my temper everytime.. but i guess i'm not good at it.. but at least i can pretend everything is ok between us.. infront of my friends and officemates.. i don't know if it's good or bad.. i just don't feel good about everything that's going on.. there are times i wanna evaporate and get lost.. there are times i don't wanna deal with things that are too shallow.. i don't know for me, our arguements are too shallow.. why can't he just accept me for who i am? isn't that one of the most important thing we need in order to keep a relationship? i may be wrong but i'm not narrow minded.. i always consider how he feels but even if i do i still end up being wrong.. :( i didn't expect he'd be so unhappy i know he's disappointed even if i didn't react..

after a month and 2 weeks

after a month and 2 weeks... i'm still not that ok... he doesn't nag me that much, he doesn't tell me what should i do, he doesn't tell me who i should spend time with or not... basically he's been trying to adjust to what i think is right or what most people think is right... but how do we know if what we thought is the solution to our problem is not the solution it self? why do i ask such? it's because even if i know he's not doing anything bad or wrong, it still annoys me... there are really times wherein he doesn't even cross my mind.. there are times i don't feel like seeing or being with him... this makes me feel bad about myself... i'm sooo mean... but i don't really know why am i like this :( i kept thinking of reasons why am i still unhappy... the fact that i know he's already doing what i wanted him to do in the first place.. to try and accept me as me.. a friend told me "you will really be miserable if everything little bit of yourself is being "corrected" or being asked to be changed.." i guess that's the reason i don't want compromises.. because i'm thinking that he's still changing me in a way or two if we compromise... but then my friend said " birds are meant to fly , what if i like the bird and i love the bird but i want to cage it it'll die... for sure... the compromise there is i'll let it fly but she has to promise to get back on the cage..." i didn't think of that honestly.. thanks to him.. but how would tell this to my bf? and what if after telling him this i'm still not happy? what do i do???

non-stop issues

well another week just passed and i must say it was really a long week for me, even though we didn't have that much of a workload. i'm really getting exhausted with what's happening in my life, especially my lovelife. for the last couple of months, i've never had a complete rest. during weekends i don't get to sleep that much even if i wanted to. instead, we'll try to talk things out and clear issues that we normally just ignore. honestly, i'm really getting tired of talking and explaining things, i would usually explain everything in detail and couldn't help get really emotional when we talk. it would usually take 3 hours or even longer. but believe it or not, it doesn't really resolve anything. :( we would discuss things we've discussed previously. it's like we're stuck on some sort of phase that we had to go through every week. it makes me sad and frustrated at the same time. i'm starting to lose hope. and everything that's gonna happen between us is just so predictable. i don't know when it will synch in to him, what i've explained... i don't feel motivated in going to work since i'll be seeing him and we'll just end up with a fight.. i don't really look forward to spending the weekend with him, coz i know that we're ok during that time and it'll just be temporary. if i'll try to weigh our good times vs our bad times, it's like the bad times is about 80% of the time. our goodtimes is 10% f the time and the other 10% is when we don't talk much but we don't have issues. it really makes me feel bad since this is not the way i pictured me having a boyfriend after 2 years. i feel like i'm the meanest person on earth, that i don't really deserve to be happy. i don't know what i did wrong. i just wanted everything to work our for us. i just wanted him to accept me for who i really am. sometimes i'm thinking if i should just let him go, half of me wants to but the other half would want me to stay and give him a chance to adjust or change. but i don't know until when. i don't know, i really don't know...

after 2 years...

it's been more than 2 years since my last post here... and here i go again getting confused... :( there are times when i don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if what i'm gonna do is right or what i'm gonna choose is right. i don't know if my decision is correct or if it will make my partner happy. I don't know who i should talk to. I don't know who's there to listen. I don't know if i will be getting an advice or not. I don't now if following someone's advise would help or not. i don't know if there's really a way to solve this. I don't know if there's an end to this. i don't know if i could still take so much. i don't know if we could still be really happy. i don't know if i'm still making sense. i don't know if i should post this. i don't know if someone would even read this... it just kinda help letting it out...

part two of my blog...

link deleted...