an entry written 8 months ago..

here's an entry i wasn't able to post... found it on my computer, this was dated december 07,2006

i don't know na what to do.. i'm really confused.. :( i can't do anything right, i'm always at fault.. i always cause pain.. i always hurt the one i love.. i don't know what to do anymore.. my heart's gonna explode.. i just wanted everything to be ok just ok.. not perfect.. not something everyone's been dreaming of.. just OK.. but why is it so hard? i've been trying to control my feelings.. the way i really feel.. im controlling my temper everytime.. but i guess i'm not good at it.. but at least i can pretend everything is ok between us.. infront of my friends and officemates.. i don't know if it's good or bad.. i just don't feel good about everything that's going on.. there are times i wanna evaporate and get lost.. there are times i don't wanna deal with things that are too shallow.. i don't know for me, our arguements are too shallow.. why can't he just accept me for who i am? isn't that one of the most important thing we need in order to keep a relationship? i may be wrong but i'm not narrow minded.. i always consider how he feels but even if i do i still end up being wrong.. :( i didn't expect he'd be so unhappy i know he's disappointed even if i didn't react..

after a month and 2 weeks

after a month and 2 weeks... i'm still not that ok... he doesn't nag me that much, he doesn't tell me what should i do, he doesn't tell me who i should spend time with or not... basically he's been trying to adjust to what i think is right or what most people think is right... but how do we know if what we thought is the solution to our problem is not the solution it self? why do i ask such? it's because even if i know he's not doing anything bad or wrong, it still annoys me... there are really times wherein he doesn't even cross my mind.. there are times i don't feel like seeing or being with him... this makes me feel bad about myself... i'm sooo mean... but i don't really know why am i like this :( i kept thinking of reasons why am i still unhappy... the fact that i know he's already doing what i wanted him to do in the first place.. to try and accept me as me.. a friend told me "you will really be miserable if everything little bit of yourself is being "corrected" or being asked to be changed.." i guess that's the reason i don't want compromises.. because i'm thinking that he's still changing me in a way or two if we compromise... but then my friend said " birds are meant to fly , what if i like the bird and i love the bird but i want to cage it it'll die... for sure... the compromise there is i'll let it fly but she has to promise to get back on the cage..." i didn't think of that honestly.. thanks to him.. but how would tell this to my bf? and what if after telling him this i'm still not happy? what do i do???